(Album Review, Melody Maker, 1995)

Ned’s Atomic Dustbin

Brainbloodvolume

(Furtive 478330 11 tks/41 mins/FP)

CHERRY RED doc wearing stupid Bronx hat and shorts combo sidewinding Carter shirt over PWEI long-sleeve stripey-tights pony-owning horse raced drippy please hit me Mazola-haired spotty-sack-of-subservience-girlfriend-having invade your local and share your shallowest thoughts play the…

Not into Oasis. I prefer music. Just wanted to note a few things.

It seems that rock’s most famous coprophage Noel Gallagher has been weighing in with typical Clarksonian tedium about woke snowflakes etc etc etfuckincetera. This charmless cunt’s infinitely proud celebrations of pigshit-thickery (don’t forget, he also hates jazz…

Two pieces, one rejected, the other printed, about kids telly and music.

(Rejected piece, 2010)
Inside the earth you hear music. November is the month of sacrifice. You wait next to your dead lord under the hill. You will accompany him to the afterlife.

That was the dream I had…

(from 2013, originally written after HMV prematurely announced its closure)

Don’t you dare look like you’re not having a good time. Modernity won’t stand for it. Nostalgia is only tolerable these days if effectively neuteured into the eye-twinkling safety of much-missed sweets, ephemera, a dim halcyon chortling at a time…

Bored as I’m sure you are with lists of ‘impactful’ records in peoples’ lives minded to instead look at those sacred cows of the cannon that could do with negative reappraisal. Unifying factor? They’re all fucking BORING as shit.

BTW — the inevitable come back to this is ‘but when…

Nick Drake
Bryter Layter Boxset
(Commercial Marketing)

“I think that’s one of the problems with Nick’s legacy, if there is a problem. I get sent tapes just by people out there who have a guitar and want to write songs, and they are very touched by Nick Drake and they…

Shot by Jay Electronica

(originally published on The Quietus, 2010)

ONE. I’ve put our uniforms in the wash. We’ve got a few hours to get ready. Aww love. I hope you get banished from pop soon. You’re in a bad way. Fatally estranged from your soulmate Death, starved of the real Romance that negotiates…

Just look at this dipshit

(Album review, Melody Maker, 14th September 1996)

KULA SHAKER

‘K’

(Parlophone Records)

I’ve just been informed by that porridge-faced wanker, Simon Mayo, that Kula Shaker are “the next Oasis”. Of course, the obvious questions don’t even get asked. Dissent is useless. Oasis are so big, such a huge commercial fact…

Mister Neil Kulkarni

Moonbear, Pop Critic, teacher.

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