HATCHET1
(Album Review, Melody Maker, 1995)
Ned’s Atomic Dustbin
Brainbloodvolume
(Furtive 478330 11 tks/41 mins/FP)
CHERRY RED doc wearing stupid Bronx hat and shorts combo sidewinding Carter shirt over PWEI long-sleeve stripey-tights pony-owning horse raced drippy please hit me Mazola-haired spotty-sack-of-subservience-girlfriend-having invade your local and share your shallowest thoughts play the juke for two hours worth of shit sit there mouthing the lyrics looking at the door trying to blend call brown ale “Newky Brown” drink it out of plastic glasses pissed on two put ‘Glory Box’ on to show how hip you are sit near to me and with every word of your cretinous jabber make me wanna rip your face off vegetarians apart from fish keep the spliff for too long hold it in too short blow it straight out and dribble a duck’s arse all over the roach then giggle for half an hour and fall asleep as it burns off in your hand watching Blue Velvet/Wild At Heart/Blues Brothers/Angel Heart/lost Boys/WITHNAIL AND F***ING I/Rocky Horror Picture Show/Betty Blue/whatever f***ing stude movie that irritates the f*** out of all decent sane people skipping onto the dancefloor for the Poppies lean over into their mates faces and shout the words so everybody knows you know them hug everybody you meet like you haven’t seen them for five years even when they’ve just come back from a piss NME reading MM when you like the cover do the sailor’s hornpipe to The Levellers have a zany “Quotes Board” in your communal kitchen sneer at townies ruin every pub you set foot in for nine months a year phone daddy for an extra grand and fax through your skidmarked shreddies Red Witch drinking talk in cinemas as loud as possible laugh at all the most annoying moments think the people in Dogs In Space are cool and not the wretched sticks of shit they are Dennis Leary Fantasy Football Red Dwarf Newman Baddiel laughing secret Jasper Carrott admiring clog up the aisles in supermarkets individually levelling coffee granules Daddy’s working-class he owns British Steel Louise Wener wanking over Blockbusters theme tune dancing Lamacq/Whiley listening tie chequered shirt round your waist goatee-beard attempting waiting for your balls to drop say pants when annoyed Terry Pratchett reading Vic’n’Bob quoting stupid dense thick crass sottish doltish dumb imbecilic dim idiotic asinine fatuous inane gormless banal snide mindless brainless daft backsliding pig c*** bastard scab insect bitch shiteating monkeyspunk gorging faced arseheaded sweaty ring-pierced f***ing SCUM. Yeah, I’m talking to YOU, MOTHERF***ER!!!
Oh, you’ll love it
Neil Kulkarni
